


I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks

by pantswarrior



Category: Gyakuten Saiban | Ace Attorney
Genre: Comedy, Drunkenness, Experimentation, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-10
Updated: 2012-09-10
Packaged: 2017-11-14 00:04:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/509205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pantswarrior/pseuds/pantswarrior
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another failed relationship for Larry Butz leads to another night of Phoenix having to listen to drunken Larry logic - which takes an entirely weird turn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks

**Author's Note:**

> How the heck did I not upload this here yet? It's one of my favorite things I ever wrote for this fandom, just because it's so much fun to write Larry. XD Title is of course taken from a similarly ridiculous song.

The cheerful Steel Samurai jingle was at odds with Phoenix's mood as he fumbled around on the little plastic crate that served as his nightstand, next to the couch that served at his bed. Who was calling him at this hour? Actually, he had a feeling he knew... and his suspicion was confirmed when he finally managed to pick up the phone and get a look at the display. He pressed the button to answer. "How many times do I have to tell you, Larry? I am _not_ giving you a ride home from the bar on my bike."

"Ni-i-iiiiiiiick..." the voice on the other end whimpered. "Come quick, I need help, I'm _dying_..."

Phoenix's expression didn't change a bit. "Rachel dumped you?"

"Y-yeah, a week ago," admitted the voice.

Phoenix frowned. "Then why are you dying _now_?"

"Because there was this hottie at the party where I got dumped, and she was so _sweet_ , Nick, all takin' care of me and letting me cry on her shoulder and stuff..." came the somewhat slurred mumble. "And so like she said I could call her anytime, so I called her the next day, and we hung out, and-"

"Look, I don't have unlimited nights and weekends like some people."

"Really? You should change your service plan," Larry suggested. "Dude, I get nights and weekends free, and if you used the same plan as me, I could put you on my list, and-"

"What I meant, Larry," Phoenix stated, "is that you should _get to the point_. Why are you calling me at one in the morning?"

There was a sudden bout of sniffling at the other end of the connection. "Lindsey dumped meeeeeee," Larry whined. "I just wanted someone to talk to, Nick... Someone who's not gonna run off to Hawaii on me, or laugh when their little doggie pisses all over my clothes, or try to dress me in crocheted pants..."

With a sigh, Phoenix pushed himself up to a seated position. "...Where are you right now?" Larry had been here for him all these years, ever since they were kids... so as much as Phoenix hated these late-night calls for moral support, he couldn't really say no, so long as there was nothing he needed to do the next day. Which there wasn't, since he hadn't had a client in a month.

"At the bar, dude!" Funny how Larry perked up basically the second Phoenix indicated he might agree to this. "You know which one."

"Yeah, I guess I do." Despite the fact that he hadn't gone to a bar of his own accord in years. At least it wasn't far from his office, just a few blocks. "I'll be there in about fifteen minutes, okay? I need to get dressed."

"Whooooaaaaaa!" Larry was floored. "Nick, I didn't... I didn't _interrupt_ something, did I?"

"No, I was asleep. Like most people are at one in the morning. I'm wearing pajamas."

"Ohhh, so that's how it's gonna be." Larry's voice had a coy edge to it. "Well, I'm wearing a red t-shirt and some blue jeans - and you know, these jeans are sooooo tight, I just might have to-"

"What the hell?" Phoenix exclaimed. "...Did you forget who you were on the phone with again, Larry?"

"Uhhhh..." Larry definitely sounded confused. "Who _am_ I on the phone with, Nick?"

...Phoenix told himself there was no sense in getting upset about this sort of thing. "You're on the phone with me, Larry. I'll be over in a little while, okay?"

"Don't hurry on my account," Larry told him, and his voice dropped to a whisper. "I think I might be getting somewhere with this babe I'm on the phone with, if you know what I mean..."

"If you say so." Phoenix was very tempted, after hanging up, to just go back to sleep. Unfortunately, Larry was so obviously wasted that he thought it would be inviting disaster to leave him to his own devices. At least he'd probably spend the next little while telling his dialtone how tight his jeans were - that should keep him out of trouble until Phoenix got there.

Sure enough, once Phoenix had arrived at the bar and made his way through the loud, rowdy crowd, he found Larry in a corner booth, giggling at his cell phone. He got an even bigger grin when he saw Phoenix. "Dude, Nick! I am on the phone with the _dirtiest girl ever_. I keep trying to tell her what I'm wearing and stuff, and she keeps interrupting me, but every time she talks, she's saying something so nasty that it's censored, so all I hear is like beep beep beep beep beep-"

"That's pretty impressive, Larry," Phoenix remarked, pulling the phone from his hand and covertly turning it off. "So hey - is your tab for the night all paid up?"

"Oh yeah. I had cash." Abruptly he started sniffling again. "I was gonna spend it on Lindseeeeeeeyyyyy..."

"Larry..." Phoenix couldn't help himself, seeing his friend so miserable. Not that it didn't happen all the time, but Phoenix was as bad at forming immunity to his friends' misery as Larry was at forming immunity to models. He slid into the booth next to Larry and dropped an arm over his heaving shoulders. "C'mon, it'll be okay. You've been through this before, lots of times. You always manage to find someone else." Who turns out to be just as much of a skank as the last, he added mentally - but that wasn't likely to cheer Larry up.

"Uh-uh, no way," Larry mumbled through his sobs. "I'm so over girls. Totally over girls. Never again, Nick."

"I understand," Phoenix said with a patient nod. "How about we call it a night, all right? You can crash on the couch at my office."

"R-Really?" Larry looked up at him with huge, shimmering eyes. "I can?"

"Sure." Larry was wasted, yes, but it didn't look like he'd had so much to drink he'd puke on the leather or anything, so Phoenix figured it would be all right.

"A... And will you teach me how to do it?"

"Er..." Phoenix wasn't sure where Larry's train of thought had been diverted to now. "Do what?"

"You know, _it_. With guys."

...That might have been a good enough answer as to where Larry's train of thought was, but it was so, so far away from any reasonable station that Phoenix decided _that_ train was obviously still hopelessly lost. "No, I don't know."

"Gettin' it on, Nick. With dudes. When you're a dude too." In another of his abrupt moodswings, Larry grinned. "I don't know anything about it. You'll teach me, right?"

Phoenix could feel his face turning red. "Uhm... Larry? What... what makes you think I know anything about that?"

"Aw, come on. You've been at least _crushing on_ Edgey for years. You and him, you're doin' it, right?"

"W-What?" By which Phoenix really meant 'How did you know?', but he'd rather not confirm those suspicions - he already knew Miles would kill him if he told Larry. ...Why did Larry have to get smart about _that_?

"I've known you since we were _kids_ , Nick," Larry replied to his unspoken question. "I know it seems like I'm totally oblivious, but I'd have to be _blind_ to miss how weird you are about him." He leaned in closer, which made Phoenix lean away in alarm. "Hey, you've known me for even longer than you've known Edgey - how come you never went after me?"

"Well... for starters, all the evidence points to you being straight," Phoenix began, trying not to show how taken aback he was by this twist. "Why would I try to hit on someone who couldn't possibly be interested in me?" And that was only one of many reasons, most of them less kind.

"Cause I'm irresistable, dude. You know it. And why _wouldn't_ you hit on someone who couldn't possibly be interested in you?" Larry gave him a big thumbs up. "I do it all the time!"

Possibly, Phoenix thought in desperation, he could turn the conversation away from this by... exposing contradictions. Yes - that was it! "Hold it - you claim to be irresistable, and then you say you're always hitting on people who couldn't possibly be interested in you?"

"Nope - I said I was always hitting on people who couldn't possibly be interested in _you_." Larry grinned. "There's lots of them."

Phoenix dropped his head into his hands in utter disbelief. "Aw, Nick... Come on, let's give it a shot," Larry urged him. "Girls _love_ gay dudes - we'll _both_ get tons of chicks if we're gay!"

"Yes, but 'gay dudes' don't want 'tons of chicks', Larry, or even one," Phoenix said, exasperated. "That's what makes them 'gay dudes'."

"This gay dude does!"

"Which would make you not gay," Phoenix explained. "I guess it could make you bi..."

Larry gave him a confused look. "Huh? Buy what?"

"Bisexual."

"Dude!" Larry looked floored. "I'm not desperate enough to buy _that_." He grinned. "Besides, I've got you here."

Phoenix sighed. "Larry..."

"Look, Nick - how do I know I'm not gay?" he asked, abruptly serious. "I've never been with a guy. Maybe it would be great! Maybe I've been missing out all these years."

"Larry... I'm pretty sure you would have figured it out by now if you liked guys." Especially given how early Larry had discovered girls. It certainly had been long before Phoenix figured out that he might like guys instead. ...He wondered, suddenly, if he would have wound up crushing on Larry if he'd ever thought he had a chance. They _had_ been friends for an awfully long time. "And I'm definitely not sleeping with you just so you can see if you like it," he added. That much was certain.

"Okay, okay..." Larry sat back - or rather, slumped back - in his seat. Then, quick enough to make Phoenix jump, he leaned forward again with a grin. "How about a kiss?"

"...How about no?" Especially given Larry's beer breath. Phoenix thought a kiss from _that_ might just be enough for him to get a buzz.

"Come on, come on!" Larry insisted. "I've gotta know now, Nick. Do I like guys? Or do I just like girls? I've gotta find out! Just a little kiss, come on..."

Phoenix hesitated. To be honest, he _was_ a little curious. Mostly because he was almost entirely sure he wasn't interested in Larry, and that Larry wasn't interested in him, but it would be nice to have that confirmed absolutely. "Are you sure about this?"

"Even more sure than I was about Lindsey being my soulmate."

"That's... quite a vote of confidence." At least he wasn't crying when he said her name anymore, which Phoenix supposed was a good enough reason to humor him. "Okay, fine. But if you _do_ like it, Larry... you have to promise not to jump me in my sleep if I let you sleep on my couch."

"Deal!" Larry beamed. "Great, so... how do dudes kiss?"

"Uhm, just like girls kiss, pretty much," Phoenix explained. "You know, lips touching and everything."

"Oh yeah. Girls kissing with their mouths all over each other is so, so hot."

He really didn't have to worry about Larry jumping him in his sleep, did he? Somewhat relieved, Phoenix reached out to touch Larry's cheek, and guide his face closer. Despite the beer breath. "Here goes nothing," he muttered, and leaned in, pressing their lips together.

...Larry was hardly kissing back. Maybe a little, very nervously. This was _completely_ different than kissing Miles. Maybe Phoenix could draw him out a little, he thought, and tried kissing Larry harder. Larry made a little humming sound, though Phoenix couldn't guess whether it was objection or approval, but he _did_ get a little more involved... not that it was really doing anything for Phoenix besides making him feel kind of awkward, so he drew back.

Sitting back in his seat, Larry just looked thoughtful. "So? What did you think?" Phoenix asked.

Before Larry could say anything, a sudden wave of high-pitched screaming made Phoenix jump, whirling in his seat to see every girl in the bar watching them with big grins. Some were applauding. He could feel his face going all red _again_. ...Why were they watching the two of them...?

"That was so _cute!_ " one girl in a very tight t-shirt exclaimed, sliding into the booth next to Phoenix. "You were totally making out with him!"

Phoenix tried to edge away from her. "Uhm..."

"It's so adorable to see a guy who's brave enough to kiss another guy in public!" said another girl, as she and her friends settled down right on top of the table across from Phoenix. One even climbed right across to wriggle in between him and Larry. "You must really love him!"

"Er, not really..." Phoenix managed. "...Larry, some help here?"

He looked over, past the sudden avalanche of girls surrounding him, and his heart sank at the stormy look on Larry's face. "...Nick!" Larry exclaimed in a fury. "Why do they all think it's cute that _you're_ gay!? Why isn't it cute that _I'm_ gay?"

"H-How am I supposed to know?" Phoenix stammered. "Possibly it has something to do with the fact that you're, oh, I don't know - _not gay?_ "

This prompted a sympathetic "Awwwww!" from the girls. "Oh, he doesn't love you back 'cause he's straight?" one of them asked. "That's so sad and sweet! Aren't guys just a pain in the butt, hon? It's like, you can never tell what they're really thinking..."

"Oh yeah, we know _all_ about how guys can be," the girl next to her stated. "Totally difficult."

"It's not like that!" Phoenix protested. "It was _his_ idea that I should try kissing him. It didn't mean anything, I've _got_ a boyfriend already!" ...Oops, he hadn't meant to actually confirm that.

"Whoa, he tried to make you kiss him even though you were taken?" A bunch of the girls glared at Larry, who went all teary-eyed again under their scrutiny. "What an asshole!"

"So tell me about your boyfriend," said the girl who'd squeezed in between him. "Is he cute?"

"Er, no! Uh, I mean, yeah, he's cute," Phoenix stammered. "But... but why..." In desperation, he looked over to Larry, barely visible beyond the crush of girls in tight tops and short skirts. "Larry! This is really weirding me out - let's get out of here!"

Larry just stared at him, tears welling up in his eyes. Then, finally, he clenched his fists. "I hate you, Niiiiiiiiiiick!" he wailed, leaping over the table and running for the door. "I hope you have so much sex with girls that your heart explodes and you die!"

The girls looked after him for a moment, confused, but soon turned their attentions back to Phoenix. That was it, he decided - next time the phone rang in the middle of the night and the Butz's name came up? He was going to let it ring.


End file.
